It has taken me 5 months to post another entry because indeed life gets in the way. So I decided to begin 2018 with continuing with my blog.
The other day I was talking to a friend about mental illness and how I was mad that people were making fun of the disorders and telling someone "You are so bipolar" when they have a rapid mood swing or are indecisive. She replied something caught my attention. "If it wasn't for you I would have not been able to understand and learn more about mental illness. Me being by your side on this journey has opened a whole new door for me". I was so mad with the people that were making fun of it, but when she told me this I realized that the root of all the problem is that they use it because society is misinformed and it refuses to talk about and recognize mental illnesses.I know that the people who have been by my side have learned a lot about mental illness because they have been face to face with me and my mental illness in the hard times. But the rest doesn't and the real purpose of this blog is to inform people and make them see what living with a mental illness is actually like. So here I come.
As I said we live in a society where we have a misconception of what Bipolar Disorder actually is or how any mental illness actually works. The word Bipolar is actually used as a synonym or adjective to describe rapid and instant mood changes. Well actually I wish it was how it actually works.
Imagine being on a roller coaster and it’s going up. You are excited, wanting to get to the top. So the roller coaster in some way will actually start. As you begin to go up adrenaline is overflowing your body. When you arrive at the top just before it starts to go down the cart stops working. But instead of freaking out you enjoy it because you like being at the top. You feel like you rule the world.Its awesome, you feel invincible and are full of energy. But then you go down. When you reach ground level, you ask yourself why is this not stopping. The roller coaster keeps on going until it’s in a black hole. The roller coaster suddenly stops.As you went deep down, so did your world. Everything fell into this deep dark hole. You feel lost, alone and hopeless. You begin to try and fix the cart, pull all the pieces together. It starts working again and it slowly goes up. You get to ground level and the roller coaster is stable, its just going straight. But the reality is that this roller coaster will never end it will always do the same, its a cycle. This roller coaster is called “Bipolar Disorder”.
When we are at the top of the roller coaster its because we are experiencing a Manic or Hypomanic episode. A way I like to describe a hypomanic episode is as if you drank 4 different types of energy drinks everyday all at once. You feel unstoppable and super energetic.You can’t stay still and you have to constantly be doing something or moving. We become extra productive and creative, we are totally convinced that we can rule the world. Sleep becomes our enemy, we feel immortal so we begin doing things that we shouldn’t but since we are full of energy its hard to stop ourselves and have some type of self control. We see ourselves as the queens or kings of the world so we think we are always right, we are so empowered and feel like everything is under our control. So when something does not go our way we get mad easily and fight for small things. Even though this might sound as something cool and you think like “Hey! I would love to feel this way and be so productive”. Its actually not that cool, yes it does have its good things but for the most part its actually horrible. You feel like a video game character and Bipolar Disorder is the person holding the controller. You feel out of control and crazy, you do things you normally would never do and after you do them you feel so disappointed about yourself and can’t help to hate the fact that Bipolar Disorder just controlled you.
When we are below ground level its because we are experiencing a Depressive episode. When we are in this state we are the complete opposite of the Manic or Hypomanic state. We have no energy whatsoever. It’s impossible to get out of bed and leave the house. You are trapped in this hole and it seems like the is no way out. This hole is full of fog and you are unable to look around. All this fog prevents you from looking at everything and everyone that surrounds you. Nothing seems to matter anymore.Life has no purpose.You feel like Bipolar Disorder just ripped everything out of you.You feel lost and suddenly forgot who you are. Empty. Alone.Hopeless.No feelings at all. Nothing.Bipolar Disorder stole your soul.
This what Bipolar disorder is actually like to me.Yes indeed they are mood swings, but as you can see they are way more extreme. Its having different episodes with opposite behaviors. The length of the episodes varies according to person. Living with Bipolar Disorder is really hard, but you slowly get to know yourself and learn how to help yourself. You slowly learn to spot the symptoms of the episode and act faster so its not at its worse. You learn to live with it and gets easier as the episodes go by.
With this entry I’m not looking to justify the behavior in some of the situations because I am not using the disorder as an excuse or a safety card, I am explaining this because as I said before I would like for you to be more aware and understand how it works. To understand how my brain works and see that this is how a person with Bipolar Disorder looks like. That people with mental illnesses are not totally crazy and out of control. That we can be highly functional. That I should not be judged by something that is part of me but it doesn’t stop me from doing what I want. But most importantly that: It doesn’t define me.
link to a video which explains Bipolar Disorder:
